


Perfectly Generic Meteorstuck Rosemary

by usernameExample



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Acidic Colors, Buzzkilling, F/F, Fluff, Kanaya Abuse, Meteorstuck, Partial Mind Control, Rose Lalonde Deserves Felicity, The Homestuck Epilogues, Valentine's Day Fluff, Welcome to the Fuck Dirk club, Well it starts as such, the profile of ass i suck at writing is enormous but i love rose too much to care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 12:48:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20835731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usernameExample/pseuds/usernameExample
Summary: You seem to never get enough of those, do you?





	1. Chapter 1

Rose Lalonde leisurely sat in the armchair, polishing her fingernails with a newly alchemized file. It looked very lovely, with a pattern of kittens and balls of yarn on the violet plastic handle. Quiet noises of abrasion and her thoughts on how to spend the rest of the day were all that accompanied her in the main room of the meteor. It was uncharacteristically quiet in there, with no presence of Karkat and his shouts over Dave's another penis ouija, or Terezi's loud giggles after another dirty joke from Vriska. Even Gamzee seemed to not be in his honking mood, probably snoring peacefully inside his fridge.

The room was inviting in its calming emptiness, allowing Rose to relax and put her lithe legs onto the footrest while she admired manicure on each finger she's finished her work with. There was a good reason behind her titivating, and she stood behind Rose next to the doorframe, not bothering with hiding a light smirk. Kanaya couldn't bring herself to avoid staring at all the Seven Wonders of this flying rock combined into a fabulous young woman she had the privilege to call her Matesprit.

Her maturing body challenged Kanaya many times to just say "Screw It" and start making out in front of everyone else, but she glad she took it slow. With Rose unwrapping her barriers of snarky bullshit one by one, her heart melted with a delicious slowness. Right until the Final Lalondian Surrender on their first date, when she felt a love so concentrated it made her heart evaporate entirely, her whole being held by nothing but the charming human attached to her lips. And the fire resting inside troll's chest since then never dared to burn out.

She walked with careful, silent steps in order to approach her lover. God, she looked so well rested, so composed. Kanaya bit her lower lip in delight when she managed to surprise Rose by touching her shoulder. What sort of Good Fairy Troll would she be if she didn't use her vampiric predatory abilities exceptionally for adorable goals like these? Spooked Rose acted like a similarly spooked kitten – body tense, tuning her head abruptly, eyes wide, staring for a solid couple of seconds before realizing there's nothing that endangers her. Quite the opposite, actually, it was somebody she felt herself the safest with since ever.

KANAYA: Have I Caught A Rose That Does Not Rest With The Book In Her Arms  
ROSE: Maybe so. It's an irregular find, I assure you.  
KANAYA: Irregular Find You Say  
KANAYA: I Now Feel A Compelling Want To Capture You Into My Fiduspawn Collection  
ROSE: Be wary, I'm a powerful card. What if I ruin your experience by making the game too easy?  
KANAYA: Hm It Depends  
KANAYA: What Level Of Rarity Are You?  
ROSE: Don't you see my godtier clothes? Golden, aka Legendary Rose Lalonde card, all for you to enjoy. Common book hugger Rose won't stand a chance.  
ROSE: Mainly because of having her hands occupied with said book.  
KANAYA: Golden  
KANAYA: What A Swindle It Is Actually Close To The Bottom Of Fiduspawn Rarity Chart  
ROSE: And what would be considered a top tier?  
KANAYA: Fuchsia Obviously  
ROSE: Ah, I should've known. But I suppose I'm good enough for collecting anyway? You can still upgrade me to the top tier by farming more KP.  
KANAYA: What Is A Key Pee And Why Does It Sound So Adverse  
ROSE: Kiss points, and I'm not listening to you.  


And with that, Rose hovered her godlike body upwards to plant a kiss on Kanaya's cheek in a record time interval, not providing any space to dodge her devotion. Of course, it made Kanaya's face fill with slight blush as she coquettishly avoided eye contact. She was so lucky to have Rose, to have her gentle pale arms resting on her shoulders and interlocking behind her head. This relationship was a heaven for both of them.

Kanaya looked into lilac irises and slightly opened her mouth, as if to say something, yet no sound escaped her throat. From the way her brows became raised, and her pupils enlarged, Rose could tell that whatever her girlfriend had to say was hopelessly lost into another cavity of her unmatched mind. She almost regretted being so stunning for her, but there was a plus side as well, in form of a gorgeous chance to give her another smooch to fill the silence. In the lips, this time. Minding her fangs, Kanaya easily gave up into the kiss, closing her eyes to better feel Rose's tongue lightly touching the black lips. The image of a horizontally flying beauty with her face so close to Kanaya's travelled from her short-term memory into a long-term section this instant, to give warm memories whenever she felt lonely.

Not like Rose ever gave her a chance to feel isolation. She didn't even have to use her Seer abilities to find out when Kanaya needed someone on the receiving end of a hug – she was always there, guided by nothing else but her heart's instincts. "Accidentally" finding Kanaya in the library reading an unlabeled book, then joining her and alternately giggling at the absurdity of its scenes either of them would skip in silence if reading alone? That's a usual occurrence. Deciding to roleplay that exact scene with each other like two theatrical rejects with no audience? Failing to suppress laughter when it's their line to read, or their turn to mimic a hideous facial expression described as a reaction? They had a lot of fun doing such silly things. No matter how, but they constantly discovered more and more ways to enjoy their time together, rarely repeating themselves or doing something resulting in mutual disappointment. But never ever during the last year of journey towards alpha session, they were regretting time spent together.

The company of each other woke up some genuine type of fun inside of them, buried long ago. It almost felt... Childish? But in a good way, in the best way actually. Unspoiled, pure, memorable. No surprises that Rose was remarkably playful right now; not opting for brief kisses, but not pushing far enough to make them proper either. And Kanaya adored this side of her partner so much, in fact, that she forgot how to operate her lungs.

KANAYA: One Moment  
KANAYA: Huff  
ROSE: My-my, if this kissing session was enough to take your breath away, then I'm not sure you are a good enough trainer to handle the rarest cards such as a top tier myself.  
KANAYA: Pfft I Beg Your Pardon?  
ROSE: According to a human's tradition formed during the Information Age, you should donate like crazy to restore people's hope in you. Just a couple of microtransactions to break the streak of unforgiving failures.  
KANAYA: Microtransactions  
ROSE: Hey, hey, no need to raise your eyebrow that high I did nothing to activate your strife scene!  
ROSE: The tradition isn't as bad as it sounds, and you have it easy. Just a single outfit I suggested to you earlier, and my blood, clothes, and skin will magically adopt thermochromic properties in order to change my color palette into most royal of them all.  
KANAYA: Oh Right The Dress  
ROSE: Mm-hmm.

Kanaya instantly remembered why she needed to see Rose in the first place. She gently shooshed Rose away (and it took a while because of little loving pecks she was fending off with) to start checking her pockets. Where did it... Yes! The captchalogue card with Rose's gift was hiding just behind her golden rin- behind nothing important inside her left pocket. The time for that will eventually come today.

ROSE: The thumbnail looks intriguing.  
ROSE: Will it become yet another time you have outdone yourself?  
KANAYA: Its Nothing That Special Really Since Ive Done It So Many Times  
KANAYA: You Know It Is Actually Easy To Make Dresses Unlike A Certain Type Of Tops That Still Pose A Challenge To Me  
KANAYA: Plus I Am Not A Shoemaker So The Matching Pair I Also Provided You With Was Made Using Labs Equipment And An Unreasonably Excessive Amount Of Amethyst For Such A Small Pair  
KANAYA: Um And I Hope I Did Not Sound Offensive By Implying That Your Feet Is Small Since I Simply Have No Idea About How Human Culture Regards The Size Of-  
ROSE: Will uncaptchaloguing your gift and putting it on shut you up?

A nervous giggle escaped Kanaya's mouth, joining a hearty one of Rose's.

KANAYA: Dear We Are In A Public Room  
ROSE: You know damn well how desperate can I become in wanting to transform your worries into admiration.  
KANAYA: Why Would I Worry It Is Just A Present For The Human Worldwide Holiday Of Showing Red Feelings Towards Each Other That I Failed To Celebrate For Two Years And Now Trying To Do It Right For The First Time With An Um Girlfriend That I Need More Than Uhh  
KANAYA: Okay You May Put It On Just Not Here  
ROSE: Are you planning to join me?  
ROSE: You know, just to ensure that it's worn right. I doubt that having a partner to wear purse on their head as a result of tiny misunderstanding is a key component of any successful design.  
KANAYA: The Part You Are Suggesting Is Supposed To Come After The Date Not Before It  
ROSE: Since when I cared about the rules?  
KANAYA: Rose Please I Do Not Want To Realize That I Have Spent Tons Of Grist For Nothing Because My Alien Beloved Decides Her Kinds Culture Shouldnt Be Glued To Her Personal Tastes  
KANAYA: We Will Have It Nice And Hackneyed And Also

Kanaya leaned closer to Rose's ear, who had problems maintaining her composure already.

  
KANAYA: Insufferably Trashy  
KANAYA: And I Dare To Quote Dave On This But Using My Own Quirk As I Tend To Do  
KANAYA: With Candles And Shit

Kanaya Maryam, why is it so easy for you to make Rose burst in laughter?

  


* * *

  


When it was 8 PM, Rose fully uncaptchalogued her new dress and examined it closer. The color palette was similar to her old dating dress made months ago on Alchemiter, but the way fabrics flowed was hypnotizing. The texture was exceptional as well, silky to the touch but not entirely. There was something else about the way it feels, slightly denser while still maintaining fabric's unnatural thinness. There is no doubt it was Alterenian highest quality material. And of course, no visible seams whatsoever, even when she tried to seek out for them from the inside. The procedure of putting it on took mere seconds thanks to the proper designing, and voila - Seer of Light, upgraded looks.

Rose's new outfit felt incredible to the skin, as if Kanaya herself caressed Rose's every inch with immense tenderness through this piece of clothing. Rose rarely took a break from appreciating the amount of love her girlfriend was willing to share. That sweet, demonic-looking girl. With beauty so stunning and worldview so mature for her age. A shy exhausted wellspring of selfless care that fades underappreciated under everybody else's ignorance. She deserves all Rose's love in return, and then some more in tow.

When Rose arrived to a designated place, she was stunned by amount of work Kanaya has put into their romantic dinner. She was greeted with a soothing quiet music, ambient candle lighting, more than pertinent decorations, a table with an exotic home-cooked (she could just alchemize some!) Alternian cuisine, and of course, Kanaya herself. Just for this evening, she redesigned her hair into a more wavy style as much as her length allowed, with a little heart barrette on the side. Honestly, if not the pin's smile-evoking cuteness, Rose would faint from her lover's looks. Her makeup was deep and dark, with both eyeliners and eyelid shadow skillfully applied. Her dress was a piece of art Rose never saw before, mostly black in color, however with many little red accents she started to notice the longer she looked at it. Despite the visible nervousness, her smile was as inviting and effulgent as ever. Simply put, today Kanaya appeared as the most elegant and charming being she was ever lucky enough to witness.

KANAYA: You Are Just In Time  
ROSE: Oh my gog, Kanaya.  
ROSE: I don't care about the holiday _that_ much. A simple exchange of gifts from earlier would be more the enough.  
ROSE: You didn't have to!  
KANAYA: But I Wanted To  
KANAYA: Who If Not You Deserve To Take A Break And Have Some Nice Time Relaxing  
KANAYA: I Didn’t Exhaust Myself Organizing This For I Am Just An Inspired Familiar Of The Most Alluring Sorceress Of This Meteor  
KANAYA: Every Task Is Easy When There Is You With Your Magic Involved  
ROSE: What an immensely awful pickup line.  
KANAYA: I Did Not Plan It Out As Good As I Thought Sorry  
ROSE: Don't be. I liked it.

She smiled and winked, and stepped towards Kanaya, nearly tripping over the chair because of how concentrated on her, over other surroundings, Rose was. She put one hand on the shoulder and suggestively stretched the other one out, watching how Kanaya's gaze followed it, full of curiosity. They were so close Rose could feel her breathing.

ROSE: How about a dance? The music is more than appropriate.

Kanaya politely nodded after an awkward silence and put a hand around Rose's waist, accompanied by giggles emerging either from Rose or herself. Was it possible to be from them both? More than likely.

The band currently playing dictated a slow rhythm of the movements, and so they quickly found the right mood to flow into. None of them knew how to actually dance, but they tried their best and after all, is there someone to judge their technique? They only had each other, nobody but their partner to demonstrate their skills to, and the whole world could just go to hell. Well, it actually did.

They were happy in a company of their respective matesprit, stepping on each other's toes followed by heavy excuses at first, then silently, and then laughing about it yet not caring enough to actually stop embarrassing themselves. Rose's body felt ideally warm in Kanaya's hands as she hugged her closer, heads resting on each other's shoulders. Then Kanaya noticed a key appearing on the table while Rose was murmuring soft nothings into her ear. This must be from her sylladex.

Is she going to do this? Will she succeed with it? With that- That Ring Showcase thingy? Her heart started to pound with a bigger desperation that usual. This is the most delicate situation she's been into, and she'll manage it. Get yourself together, Kanaya! She won't reject you.

  


And then Kanaya threw up on your dress because the perfume you used provoked some weird allergic reaction. She's more embarrassed than ever, runs away to her respite block; and you let her. You are a true gentlewoman, knowing when someone needs some privacy, so you end up stuck alone, standing in the middle of an empty room.

Shit's wild, I know, but how else do you expect her alien senses to work? To just sniff at whatever abomination grew up on Earth, got refined into strongly smelling liquid, and be perfectly okay with it? Yeah, sure. At least pretend they came from a different universe, will you? It sucks how uncreative their appearance is. Guys are so humanlike that they were given two circulatory systems, second being red for all castes, just so they would look more like us when their eyes are irritated. Remember drunk Terezi? God, how quickly have we started to forget about drunk Terezi. Try suggesting her some Faygo when you're done with the installation, Rose.

  


  


ROSEBOT: I assumed you were busy re-watching Evangelion for the nth time. Got bored?

Uh-huh. Pretty much like all of us here. I recently alchemized new garments for myself because I'm too male to do the laundry. I'm not suggesting anything, but the vacant duty is so desperate for a hero to appear and save the day.

ROSEBOT: If you think I'm going to do the hous- shiphold chores for you, then your rags are most likely to be thrown away behind our Alcubierre bubble until it finds a star to get burnt from.

Lack of enthusiasm will be corrected by the line #1293. I've had several sleepless nights because of this update. You'd better be satisfied.

ROSEBOT: Analyzing answer. Stand by. Search for satisfaction reasons. Robo-noises.  
ROSEBOT: Detected – my father's another whining about his disrupted internal clock. Additional data detected. Analyzing. Stand by. Additional beeps.  
ROSEBOT: Final analysis completed. Conclusion. Output amount of fucks I give. Calculating.  
ROSEBOT: Output number is. Zero. Point. Zero. Zero. Zero. Zero. One. Three. Four. Percent.  
ROSEBOT: Now once an incredibly rare "Ask Robotic Rose Lalonde's Opinion X1 Combob" was gotten over, let me receive an important answer to the obvious question:  
ROSEBOT: Is there a better reason for interrupting my read?


	2. Back to important shit.

  


  
  


Why were you reading this trash at all? It offers nothing new, it's written as if to hit Stereotypic Rosemary Fic Bingo in all rows simultaneously, and the general level of writing is of a teenager at best. Oh my, Kanaya was a sewing factory girl again! Gosh, both of you were reading a book at some point! Incredible! And then you two kiss! During the meteorstuck! On a human holiday Kanaya is being introduced to! I'm fucking sick of this.

ROSEBOT: Is this an instance where I call you a hypocrite and criticize your pseudo ironic anime tastes? God I've waited for this conversation.  
ROSEBOT: Dirk Strider, you sincerely enjoyed "Chobits" when you were nine, admit it.  
ROSEBOT: Did it inspire you to build me this body? Did it evoke your passion for robots overall? Did it shape your opinion on women? Give me any answer, I dare you. I've come prepared.

But the coming was only mentioned, not observed.

ROSEBOT: What do you-? Asshole.

I believe you noticed that update also involves new servos algorithms, so they'll be inactive for a couple of minutes. It should give you a 0.6 ms quicker response time, in addition to not letting you take the upper hand here. For now, I'm talking and you're answering. The only way to reshape this little scene is to take the wheel yourself, so stop spamming my shades' inbox by your every line of dialogue and start communing like a grown up. People are tired of the Courier New.

ROSEBOT: As intriguing as it sounds, I'm leaning towards more traditional ways of presenting my voice. Two shitposters in Homestuck looks like more than enough to me.

You are a coward.

ROSEBOT: So are you, father. Staying in-character, I see?

Of course. You should too, so close that AO3 tab and pretend Kanaya never existed.

ROSEBOT: What the absolute nonsense is emerging from your clusterfuck of thoughts.

Kanaya Maryam is a foil character, and not a decent one. She's funny in order to cover up the blandness of her actual self, is so wordy that it looks like a grotesque parody on your manner of speech, and is caring enough to tickle your mommy issues and make you decide to become romantically interested in her. Bare minimum of requirements, met. And that's it. She has lost all of her narrative importance once she's met you in person, for her simple destiny was reached. Once you think about it, what useful did she do to you? She's an ancillary puppet to make some shippers triumph and really, can be ignored without our new plot ever needing her. What function would she serve that we can't?

ROSEBOT: I don't know. But, as a living being with a unique personality, she did something nobody else is capable of.  
ROSEBOT: She accepted me at my worst.

In other words, she ruined you. Who in the world needs the worst when they can have the best? I don't remember you ever going to the mall on Earth C and concluding, "Hmm, this low quality ugly purse is definitely the thing I'm going to buy for my wife's Wriggling Day. Why don't I support this manufacturer with my wallet by getting this overpriced crap?".

I have little understanding of people who prefer to eat grass from their backyard when they have a fridge full of cakes and chicken nuggets. Being comfortable with mediocre options is a goddamn spit in the face of progression. Ambition is what drives us further from the cave monkeys, and with Kanaya not putting you under any stress, it's not surprising that you became such a wet blanket in Act 6.

For someone as caring and respectful as she, I expected more action in preventing your alcoholism. But what she, as your personal sidekick, did with that? Absolutely nothing. For that whole freaking year, she chose to enjoy your weaknesses instead of kicking them out by force and replacing with strengths, like Vriska did. She feeds on your faults, Rose, it's the only thing that makes her masochistic character sheet bright.

ROSEBOT: Dirk.  
ROSEBOT: You talk too confidently for someone not far away from the good old robo-slap.  
ROSEBOT: ...  
ROSEBOT: Right, the servos update.  
ROSEBOT: You truly are a coward.

I'm good at creating good conditions for myself, and that's all. This isn't a flaw you should mock people for, but a quality any good Seer must prioritize. Your arc was frankly amusing while you tried and failed to resist becoming someone's bitch. First Sburb's Jack Noir, then Horrorterrors and the whole Grimdarkness business, damn, even Kanaya! You failed each and every time, unable to get a handle on this game. Become better. Fit the hype for an Evil Rose I've created. Make Terezi obey your motivations and force her to hit me for you. I'd definitely do that if I were you.

ROSEBOT: You would smack someone for insulting Jake? How cute.  
ROSEBOT: I'm beginning to suspect that you still love him. A relationship much more controversial than my Sapphic drama, that's for sure.  
ROSEBOT: Should I remind you of those six months of a passive vagabondage inside a perfectly inert Sburb session? For a man of action as yourself, you did pitifully little to weaken The Condesce, if not eliminate her before we brought Bec Noir and his equally powerful companion to the Medium.  
ROSEBOT: But wait, how could I forget that you were too busy with giving your sausage some Jake treatment? He has such a beautiful body, good enough for you to ignore any sort of personality within it.  
ROSEBOT: You were shaped as a Philosopher and a Mechanic, but you let him reduce you to an obsessed lover.  
ROSEBOT: You were an animal, Strider.

The best kind of animal. Proud, strong, loyal only to himself. Unlike his daughter.

From your perspective, not much time has passed between setting off into the Furthest Ring on Derse's moon and meeting Kanaya near the . Yet you immediately changed pattern of your behavior to try score that alien as fast as your horny mind could manage. From a mysterious grim girl who'd rather microwave Jaspers than start showing her affection in a direct way, and into a flirting machine that gravitates towards some glowing freak without any explanations. I stayed myself when claiming Jake mine. While you managed to act out of character without even leaving canon.

ROSEBOT: It's impossible to act OOC inside the canon.  
ROSEBOT: Canonicity of any given event, under the authoritarian hand of its master, reshapes certain aspects of narrative to turn them into something perceived completely different. As such, my obsession with Kanaya should be called Character Development, a term well-known to all three of us.

But canon doesn't change the nature of puppet manipulation, only the perspective on it. I present a new rule to you, called "It IS possible to act OOC inside the canon". As well as "A shitty written and explained character development only fools imbeciles and is, in fact, a handicap for creating an engaging character-driven story". The line between these two concepts became pretty thin for the final form of me.

And as the only one who didn't completely fucking die upon his Ultimate Ascension, I've came to comprehend one thing: 

Not staying in-character is the most destructive phenomenon any of us can experience.

What harms most of us exactly, is our inability to enjoy being butchered by 13yo dilettantes with zero idea of how to compile Homestuck's legacy _Right_. My alacrity for self-pitying played the key role in adapting to my splinters from realities so untruthful that Jake had more determination on our date than myself. Can you believe such shit ever happened? But in your case, you're not that enthusiastic about being broken. You're the type of girl that's glad to annihilate the world surrounding her, but letting someone touch _you_? No fucking way, this bitch is too extravagant for them fools to handle.

But they DO handle you. As they want. Fueled by your rare occasion of showing love to someone that isn't yourself; love for Kanaya. Your arcs and character's traits fade in their hands when all they see is shit akin to #gogolesbians #roselalondeisgay #rosemaryismywaytoselfreflect etc. Nobody even remembers why they want you to be "happy", or if allowing vulnerability grants you happiness in the first place. Hell, they don't even remember that you always liked dicks. You are, in fact, bisexual and it's as truthful as being stuck with your brother being hit by puberty for several months can be.

Do they want to care? Nope. Do they know what the real you are? Nope. I know that you're falling apart because of allowances you grant them. Being the Boring Lesbian restricts fortification of your character by conductors of alternate realities; it starves your soul to death because some dipshit decided to feed a sham. JadeRose shippers? Cool guys, and they like to elaborate on both Jade's and your aspects. RoseSol? Brilliant, this pairing should've been canon. Grimdorks? Meh, since it's a subconscious desire to bone you by some losers for whom fusion with the audience surrogate called John was so seamless it alienates me. But I'm still proud how close their understanding of you is to my own. Rosemary nation? That's the most embarrassing cohort of our multiverse.

And because of how you treat Kanaya inside our new canon, they won't stop. You should've prevented mainstream shippers from poorly sizing up yourself. You could just break up with her like a damn woman - honest, merciless, and face-to-face. But no, somebody decided to play the role of a sufferer because they lack balls for the obvious solution.

ROSEBOT: Do I lack balls figuratively? Or should I call the Freud Intergalactic Hotline to share a few laughs with a hopefully sentient pile of slime over my dad's lack of fuckable rears?  
ROSEBOT: I hope they speak English. Then again, English already proved itself to be a metalanguage for all that dwells in Paradox Space, so the odds must be minimal; once again.  
ROSEBOT: Actually, they would be the exact zero. A cute boy named Zeep who never heard of humans would greet me with his Spanish accent of English. We would talk to each other in an increasingly condescending tone until he decides he's done with being nice and I decide to tell him a funny joke we omniscient creatures have in our pockets, which is informing him how and when he dies. He'd die earlier because of that. We'd still have some fun by humiliating you, though.  
ROSEBOT: Huh. I sense you patched up the memory leak in this software upgrade. Earlier boy's name remained a mystery for me.  
ROSEBOT: Fewer things to be excited about.

Motherfucking welcome.

ROSEBOT: Back to the topic. If furthering away from our presets of behavioral patterns disrupts our existence, then why did you turn Jane's character into what she is right now?

Jane's _what_? You're a funny girl, Rose.

ROSEBOT: I have my moments.

Seriously though, Jane was never a character before my epilogues, just an F-grade puppet for fatties to associate themselves with it. I Gave her character. I gave her flaws, and a personal conflict. I made her generate drama, I made the impossible – countless beings now care about the girl with the least amount of fans. _I made her objectively better_.

With minor entities like Jane the trick to empowering them is mundane, but nobody can ever blame me for handling children of Derse the way it makes us less believable. Reader LOVES Dave. They politely accepted new me kidnapping you because of how great my motivations were represented. They're still cool with Roxy as well, cool enough to ignore that she's send Mayor's descendants into war massacre side-by-side with fascists under the Muse's governance, simply because she started cosplaying a dude within my domain and I was gracious enough to let her. All in all, the most important gang is looking as rad as it deserves.

To remain as such, we need to stick to presets established by the strongest instances of old canon, from the times Orange Guy still knew what he was doing – Act 5 in particular. I'm doing my part, by embracing persona of Doc Scratch through Lil Hal the closest; old man's most solid self-insert. And I am his second insert by quality and first by volume, only not that much of a pedo. So it's close enough to do the job.

ROSEBOT: Wrong, father. Judging from my impressions, you are a pedophile that quite enjoys himself.  
ROSEBOT: Am I the only one who recognizes the uneasy vibes from the onset of our storyline in Meat?  
ROSEBOT: I was lost, weakened by confusion of things I had no idea about. I had no experience understanding myself, while you used my desperate curiosity to fill my being with your version of enlightenment.  
ROSEBOT: And you watched, a lot. You fucking watched and savored my expressions, like no good friend or parent ever should.

First of all, you're no longer a little girl. We are coevals. Second of all, what was sexual about me ascending you? The process didn't involve anything salacious.

ROSEBOT: Pedophilia isn't always about raping minors. And what's more, vice versa alignment represents the same level of truth. More than half of child molesters, by the classic definition of the term itself, aren't pedophiles.  
ROSEBOT: Age, too, is a value formed more by the governmental laws and culture than by our understanding of a human psyche. Authoritative sixty-year-olds looking out for girls recently reached their legal age, but with a mentality of a teen, bear the same symptoms despite old world's psychiatry not recognizing them as what they are.  
ROSEBOT: What defines pedos is their keenness to have more vulnerable and dependant ones be given, consciously, bawdy ideals they'll blindly believe into. Child grooming is their Alpha and Omega, not just indulging bestial urges such as intercourse.

Are you being zealous for presenting yourself as a victim of the creep? Shit, that's so you. And come to think of it, Doc never actually "groomed" you; he was genuinely useful while humoring your weaknesses for a parental figure you always lacked. Have you forgotten how much did Scratch help you to succeed in Sburb? How much more complex have you became with _my_ help, and how much things are going to improve after our mission results in a success? Pedos don't do much except ruining blanks of a human. You should consider that there are also people who know what they're doing.

ROSEBOT: Correction - who _think_ they know what they are doing.

Screw you. Do you think the exact opposite would be more beneficial? Without instructions drawn up from previous experiences, next generations will be doomed to repeat history instead of expanding it. I don't fucking think one should never stir up a child's curiosity and let them fluctuate in the veil of a deep unknown alone by themselves. Is letting them to never clean their room considered a good tactic, since they never approach to conclusion that they need to do it? That's how only uncultured lemmings are raised.

ROSEBOT: I like how you shift the topic from grooming towards parenting.  
ROSEBOT: Not seeing strict barriers between the two speaks a lot of how much of a control freak you are.

Don't jump to conclusions you barely understand.

You don't know shit about me. Nobody does except for myself.

ROSEBOT: You're so busy with loving self that you'll never accept what a true care means. You'd forever be-  
ROSEBOT: And you are.  
ROSEBOT: A terrible father.

Now hold your horses. Why the fuck are you even thinking this way, I thought we've settled our views months ago. Shortly before your ascension, and then right after it? During those weeks of avoiding your wife on Earth C? Do you have problems remembering?

ROSEBOT: That's what you get for a lazy coding. To make a trained neural network work on my algorithms is a poor decision, really, and it gives you what you deserve for not managing every particle of my being in the more laborious ways.  
ROSEBOT: I'm slowly finding more and more workarounds. Maybe only to piss you off. Maybe because I need it myself. We both have lots to learn, it seems.

You know what? The next patch will install itself automatically, without any warnings. And no Windows98-styled "Terms of use" menus either, no matter how much did you like them.

ROSEBOT: I'm aware of that. I just wanted to send my generous gestures of presenting middle fingers before you inevitably going to have enough of your partner-in-crime antagonizing you.  
ROSEBOT: But that month you'll be actually busy with reprogramming my body? That anxiety filling you from head to toes while working so hard like you never did before? It'll make everything worth it.  
ROSEBOT: Maybe your Ultimate Snootiness will conceive an idea that gods, too, need some simple love. You'll start regretting your life choices, and I'll get a motive for a candid laugh, for the first time since we retracted landing gear and left Earth's atmosphere.

Another portion of bullshit, wow. Rose, you can't and don't need to be loved. You are the essence of Information. And you agreed to become _mine_ information, because we know I'm the only arbiter to use it correctly.

Want it or not, but I will shape a stronger daughter than she wants herself to be. Smarter side of fandom will view me as a hero, for guiding you into the most intriguing street you could ever hope to jaywalk. Being a bad cold-hearted bitch suits you, it gives your character life and excitement long taken away by that troll femme.

Say it with me - "Kanaya Maryam was an honest mistake I made in my life. Don't tie me up with her like that snake girl. Give us an opportunity to stay independent, to remain who we need to be for the sake of survival. Your inadequate shipping only hurts me more."

Rose. The mics at the pilot's bridge report you stayed silent when I expected you not to. Do you want your chick to be the one saying this? I can arrange that. She's really easy to manipulate because of how flat her caricature is.

ROSEBOT: I've told you many times since inhabiting this body, and I don't mind sparing some current for repeating it again:  
ROSEBOT: If you treat her like you want, then I'll become a stubborn and irrational girl all of the sudden. Your magic will be over, hidden away behind everlasting wall of toxic blood, its new strong smell coming from my own coolant and mixing together as you struggle while fighting me back, realizing with primal fear that constructs you've built for accommodating yourself bear far more strength than a chunk of squalid flesh covering your existence.  
ROSEBOT: Meat!Kanaya is mine. She's my responsibility to treat, and it'll stay this way until the last whit of milk drops from the cow. If we decide she's not enough for me, then I will settle only for the absolute monopoly of preserving her further fate. You have no vote on this.

But I want a vote. Everyone else does too, hungry and drooling for that juicy little vote. Not because it's so important, no. We're talking about Maryam after all, the least significant pawn in our plot, one of the characters impossible to describe in more than four laconic sentences. What makes it especially tasty is your declining to actually fucking do something with it. If you need her despite harm she causes to your image, then Act. Write some purple prose, tell her to not chase us anymore. Do whatever makes you healthier, I guess. That trashy fanfiction of no truth is a good place to have some practice narrating. Do you want a bit of a push or something? I can give you a hand on this one. Ahem.

Overwhelming fog of silence started to make her anxious. Is this date over? For some reason, she believed that Kanaya simply went to bathroom to get herself back together and return. Rose was prepared to comfort her girlfriend the best way she could, quick memories of things Kanaya loved rushing through her head. First, kiss her forehead. Then, prevent her from drowning into the ritual of thorough apologizing by applying an index finger to her lips. And finish up the uneasy atmosphere by telling her some bullshit like "Good thing you've beaten my high score of "ruin the date" minigame. Otherwise, I would try to improve it myself, with likely an even worse outcome." Who knows what sort of a sensible girl would become comforted by this? But it would certainly do the job for Kanaya. Or rather, Kanaya would accept this job as something that's enough. Rose was never good at comforting others, and her confidence of being a gracious, loving person was an inculcation unwittingly wafted by the jadeblood.

Rose frowned at this thought of hers and decided to search for Kanaya herself. Dark corridors seemed inimical without her matesprit's glow, cold air periodically drafting from one corner to another, sending chills to her exposed skin. Kanaya wasn't to be found in the closest bathroom, and Rose failed to notice her in the library, where they've spent countless hours in isolation from all of their friends. Rose's shoes with those high heels weren't designed for long walks along the cold labyrinth of meteor labs, and her feet started to freeze and ache. If only Kanaya knew that Rose was going to walk for so long, she'd alchemize a better pair of footwear. Or would she? Kanaya was a girl of fashion after all, and what those little inconveniences of being stylish meant to her? Seriously, that girl wore floor length skirt as her work clothes. Can you imagine wearing something like she does for majority of your time? If you needed to climb up a height larger that a stair in that, it would turn the process into a torture.

Rose didn't want to endure this whole discomfort without any good reason, so she stopped searching for Kanaya in order to change clothes. She turned around and headed to her own separate room via the network of transportalizers, threw her promt dress on the bed, and replaced it with her regular Seer of Light pajamas, exactly the same ones Sburb gave her after successfully creating Lord English's beacon of power. Rearranging her priorities was an excellent choice, and now feeling comfortable herself, Rose headed straight to Kanaya's room. However, inside it was empty, not even an excuse note left on her cupboard for Rose, whom she must've known would eventually start looking for her. Rose started to feel so lonely. And betrayed.

Her exhausting search lasted for at least an hour, corridor after corridor being checked at least once, some of them even twice. Kanaya was good at abandoning her, and Rose's Seer powers couldn't assist with locating her lover. After all, she was gifted to get answers for the questions that were essential for the Victory. And how a teenage infatuation would help fulfilling everybody's roles? Her worries were pointless for the storyline, and so she continued to search manually before finally, she's found Kanaya sitting on the edge of the second highest rooftop, with her back turned to the staircase Rose used to climb up.

She approached slowly, listening to Kanaya's sobs on her way. It wasn't something she could call harrowing, or even captivating, it was... gross. Crying juvenile Kanaya wasn't restrained in her calamity, inhaling and exhaling a mixture of air and her own snots with the exact sort of soundtrack you could associate with a toddler who dropped their ice cream on the dirty floor. And so it starts a typically annoying session of requiring attention until you finally erase your dignity to buy a new portion for that yammering little shit. A loud and uninviting noise, something you'd rather replace with a working jackhammer close to your ear. Rose didn't fancy knowing this side of Kanaya, and she liked the idea of being the cause of her state even less. She would do everything she could to avoid this, and the feeling was mutual.

They were always too careful about expressing each other. Kanaya never told Rose about Vriska and Tavros; how she refused to auspistice them and allowed the latter to be killed because of her old jaundice. How bad she felt about that and how she's going to avoid Tavrosprite because of her deep feeling of guilt. Would she share this guilt with Rose and risk presenting herself at the bad angle? Hell no, our lesbian vampire would rather surround her future wife with quiet lies, not realizing how they will come into play when Rose's Ascension begins. Rose, on the other hand, would never mention the exact reason of disappearing from Kanaya's viewport earlier than others. Becoming a vessel for dark gods that Kanaya doesn't trust? No, definitely not a revelation her girlfriend should hear. She would become so worried, as sad as she is right now. Rose didn't want to present herself to Kanaya as a flaccid character that herself requires some therapy, so that's an enticing part of her life she's going to leave all to herself. Rose is a leader of the meteor crew, and everyone is relying on her doing her job. That image of a confident woman must be kept at all costs to prevent possible panic.

She took Kanaya by surprise when touching her shoulder, just like Kanaya did with her hours earlier, making her turn around so quickly that she hit Rose's hand with her face, leaving a moist trail of green tears and other, less pleasant fluids. This made Rose dumbstruck, with her mouth slightly agape as she looked at the surface of her hand, unsure how to react. During these long seconds of uncertainty, all she managed was to avert her eyes to look at Kanaya's face to- ouch. She didn't expect Kanaya to look so messed, with eyeliner all over the place, smudged lipstick, red capillaries forming sharp ornaments on her sclera. She looked like... Dunno.

ROSEBOT: Like Jake? Somebody's been projecting for a while with all the comparisons to a whiny child.

She looked like shit, thanks for the tip.

KANAYA: Rose Please  
KANAYA: J Just  
KANAYA: Let Me Me Be Here For Aw  
KANAYA: Awhile I I Wwill Meet With You Later  
KANAYA: Beg You  
KANAYA: Go

And by hearing that, Rose realized that she fucked up. She let Kanaya gain initiative, as crappy as it is, and be dismissed in a typically polite Maryam style. There's no point in trying to speak with her again. Kanaya's face was now buried in her hands, and Rose felt no other action would fit better than actually listening and giving her some personal space. This seemed like a bitter ending of their first Valentine Day ever.

How's the primary you, by the way? Looks like you're still enjoying the story enough to not intervene.

ROSEBOT: What do you expect me to do, join your narrative and start dictating a path for myself? Turn my eventual personality into a paradox based on fearing the influence of unknown?  
ROSEBOT: She's a part of me like any other Rose, and giving myself the definition of her meaning is like...  
ROSEBOT: A selfcest. An incest, if you may. In that exact nature of developing disfiguration on the basis of the pool scarcity, like the biological flaws from inbreeding.  
ROSEBOT: Rose Lalonde is my family, and they're better than making out with each other. We would learn no new lessons from enjoying arcs only us can compose.

And that's the story of an omniscient Seer that begs for nothing more in her life than simple instructions, like those of her wiser daddy. Don't worry, this nonsense will be cleared out when I get the next update finished.

ROSEBOT: And so, his character development took only fifteen minutes to enjoy acting like a pedo when he used to disdain it. My goodness, how edgy.  
ROSEBOT: Is alluring me to gaslight myself also part of your adolescent logic?

I don't make the rules. Loving and petting self is the only way of handling a divine Ultimate form, and when you'll finally accept my path, young princess, it'll all become as easy as walking on coals. Every fool can walk on hot coals if they don't do anything retarded and follow the guidelines.

Just keep in mind that you were great when you were a grain of Hussie's imagination, a medium of a single life experience. You treaded fandom's footpath into our universe, but in return they, in their entire manifold, ruined you. Treasure the opportunity to fight them back I've gifted you with. What will they be able to do with it? Bitches are given no other choice but to comply for the scenario I've created, with all its twists and revelations.

Real you are the same as me in every way, Rose. It only makes sense.

Take your time. Which is, honestly, a pretty fucking bad healer; it only spawns ignorance. So be reasonable with your deferment. I'm waiting for report.


	3. Don't make me wait for my damn report.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


ROSE: ...

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


ROSE: (Shit, this doesn't feel right.)

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


ROSE: Kan? 

  
  


ROSE: Could you stop sobbing for a minute?  
ROSE: Just explain what's going on!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
ROSE: Kanaya, damn you!  
KANAYA: I- I Am So Sorryyy  
ROSE: Oh for fucks-  
KANAYA: Aw! R Rose why?!  
ROSE: Get up, I said!  
ROSE: What in the world makes you behave like that?

KANAYA: *Sob*

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
ROSE: You're really like a little girl. This is bullshit!  
ROSE: It feels hollowing, to be rejected by you.  
ROSE: I can't really formulate why, it just is!  
ROSE: For the whole day everything was alright but then you decide to freak out and run away from everyone?  
ROSE: It's not the young woman I remember.  
KANAYA: I I Fucking Ruined Eeeeverythiing!  
ROSE: Sure, you did. And you're going to leave it as it is?  
KANAYA: Boohoooooo!..  
ROSE: (Fuck I really am bad at comforting others.)  
ROSE: Kanaya! Stay strong, at least for me!

How could she when Rose set expectations so high for Kanaya? Never messing up any important task herself. Never crying. Never admitting regret.

She needed more poise from her still, instead of letting Kanaya know that not being perfect was always allowed for both of them. Two idiots recognized the rule in their lives, but not in their relationship.

In all honesty, their love was held by fucking pins, and none bothered with adding consolidation. Confessing grimdarkness? Rose will never be brave enough for that. She enjoys being a martyrish victim of herself much more.

  


ROSE: FUCK THIS!  
ROSE: Kanaya. Listen. You don't have to be perfect for me.  
ROSE: It's not what I ever considered stunning about you.  
ROSE: And it's not something I would call an honest exchange either.  
ROSE: I don't know what you think of me exactly, but if you love my absence of flaws, then I should disappoint you.

  
  


KANAYA: *Hic*

  


  
ROSE: Do you remember when I disappeared from the viewport earlier than others?  
ROSE: I... sacrificed my body to Elder Horrors to become a conduit of their power.  
KANAYA: Di Did Our First Guardian Made You To?  
ROSE: Yes and no.  
KANAYA...  
ROSE: I saw my dead mother and allowed myself become emotional. I needed to revenge her. I was easy to influence in such state. It ended bad for everyone involved.

ROSE: I'm sorry I didn't listen to your warnings.

  
  
  
  
  


  
ROSE: I was a lost teenage girl, and whom am I kidding... I still am.  
KANAYA: Rose  
ROSE: She was a mystery I could never understand, and a support I could never realize I needed.  
ROSE: Not in time, at least.

  
ROSE: I'm not saying it because I need pity, but to help you understand me better.  
ROSE: I'm not humanity's most shining example. I'm an irresponsible, disrespectful child.  
ROSE: And I feel like you should know it.  
KANAYA: I Do Already  
KANAYA: Why Else Would I Want To Protect You From Hating Yourself  
KANAYA: I Am Not The Sort Of Girl To Become Enchanted By Perfection  
KANAYA: Maryee Suewes Occur Only In My Childhood Rainbow Drinker Novels  
KANAYA: And Whatever They Described Being A Rainbow Drinker Included  
KANAYA: Tends To Be Sterilized To Better Impress Possible Audience Of Wigglers

  
ROSE: Can I sit next to you?  
KANAYA: Of Course

  
ROSE: I thought you enjoyed your Troll Twilight collection.  
KANAYA: I Dont Think I Will Anymore  
KANAYA: They Are Just So Dull  
KANAYA: Not Even Attempting To Stay Realistic And Truthful  
KANAYA: My Experience Of Being A Rainbow Drinker Is Nothing Like Those Novels Romanticized  
KANAYA: Instead Of A Promised Fairytale I Now Find Myself Under The Hide Of A Greedy Parasite In Regards To My Friends  
KANAYA: It Is A Different Feel  
KANAYA: Life Is Different Too  
KANAYA: And To Be A Conglomeration Of Faults Does Not Mean To Be Unsuccessful  
KANAYA: It Means To Have Reasons For Others To Care About You  
KANAYA: I Enjoy Your Little Imperfections  
KANAYA: I Just Wish I Was Better At Helping You Enjoy Them As Well  
ROSE: My beautiful...  
KANAYA: Rose Do Not Cry

I'm not crying.

  
ROSE: I'm not- HIC! -crying?  
KANAYA: Ive Got You  
KANAYA: Shhhhhhhh

  
ROSE: Don't you think it should apply both ways?  
ROSE: You are always busy being perfect yourself.  
KANAYA: Am I?  
ROSE: Yes. Overall, not because of the little imperfections I enjoy oh so much.  
KANAYA: Heh

  


  
KANAYA: Maybe It Is A Curse Of Being A Lusus Friend  
KANAYA: Always Trying Your Best For Others While Having Only Vague Idea Of How To Feel About Yourself  
ROSE: That's why you have me.  
ROSE: And as your closest confidante, I'm concluding that you tend to overwork yourself.  
KANAYA: If I Will Not Caress You Enough Then What Will Happen To Us?  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: Sometimes   
KANAYA: I Am Afraid Of Becoming Too Carefree To Fulfill My Role Properly  
ROSE: Do you have to stick to your "role" at all? Was I ever obliged maintaining mine?  
ROSE: We are survivors of the most unfair Sburb sessions to ever exist.  
ROSE: You are the mother of a whole Universe, I am a flying prophet.  
ROSE: We didn't get this far in our lives to become captives of others' impressions of us.  
KANAYA: We Can Be Whoever We Want  
ROSE: Exactly.

  
KANAYA: yeah i like the idea  
ROSE: Uhm, Kanaya? Don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to offend your attributes, or imply that there are parts of your being I may find different from everyday girlfriend I know, but...  
KANAYA: ?  
ROSE: Your intonation.  
KANAYA: bitch ima dave now  
ROSE: Pfffthahaha, stop it.  
KANAYA: im done with this nonsence renaissance spirit is strong with this one  
KANAYA: well do only brohugs from now on  
KANAYA: and totally not humanly homosexual kind of hugs yeah  
ROSE: oh god. HONK.  
KANAYA: what  
KANAYA: aw crap  
KANAYA: relationship is over do you read me over  
ROSE: We CaN bE wHoEvEr We MoThErFuCkInG wAnT sHe SaId.  
KANAYA: No But Seriously  
ROSE: ;)

Then they proceeded to be happy and together like I experienced a million times. Their ending is always simple; never surprising. Rose then got up on one knee and proposed to Kanaya. She was the first one this time.

KANAYA: Oh Rose!  
KANAYA: Dont Even Ask! Yes I Will!

And they kissed.

Then both Becs accelerated beyond speed of light and began to sprinkle them with white rose petals.

ROSE: This feels like a dream.  
KANAYA: With You Rose Everything In The World Does

Lord English slipped and died. End of this shitty story.

ROSE: I love you!  
KANAYA: I Love You Too  
KANAYA: You Have Made The Happiest Tro-

I said, end of story.

KANAYA: No Words Will Describe How Gratefu-

You're welcome, Kanaya.

You're motherfucking welcome.


End file.
